Heb moeite met relaties

This was actually one of the most surprising things I learned on the journey.

Self Love: The happiest couples always consisted of two (sometimes more) emotionally healthy and independently happy individuals. These people practiced self-love. They treated themselves with the same type of care that they treated their partner... or at least they tried to.

Emotionally healthy people know how to forgive, they are able to acknowledge their part in any disagreement or conflict and take responsibility for it. They are self-aware enough to be assertive, to pull their weight, and to give love when it's most difficult.

Commitment: After that emotional health came an unquestioning level of commitment. The happiest couples knew that if shit got real, their significant other wasn't going to walk out on them. They knew that even if things got hard - no, especially if things got hard — they were better off together. The sum of the parts is greater than the whole.

Trust: Happy couples trust each other... and they have earned each others' trust. They don't worry about the other person trying to undermine them or sabotage them, because they've proven over and over again that they are each other's biggest advocate. That trust is built through actions, not words. It's day after day after day of fidelity, service, emotional security, reliability.

Establish that foundation, and you're in good shape.

Intentionality: This is the icing on the cake. There's a difference between the couple who drives through the rainstorm and the couple who pulls their car to the side of the road to make out in the rain. (Yes, that's a true story.) There's a difference between the couple who kisses for 10 seconds or longer when they say goodbye to each other rather than just giving each other a peck... or nothing at all. There's a difference between the couples who encourage each other to pursue their personal goals at the expense of their own discomfort or inconvenience... even if it means their partner has to stage kiss another woman.

The couples who try on a daily basis to experience some sort of meaningful connection, or create a fun memory are the couples who shattered my perception of what was possible in a loving relationship."

On the best advice he was given:

"One woman in Georgia gave some pretty amazing advice. She and and her husband have been married for over 60 years, and after being asked what her best relationship advice would be, she paused and said...

'Don't be afraid to be the one who loves the most.'"

Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/nate-bagleys-best-relationship-advice-2014-2#ixzz2tIlg6wjt



Resolving disagreements was one of the topics that came up the most.

Here's what I learned:

Don't Fight To Win: A huge number of couples talked about how they didn't fight against each other. I mean, if you're in love, you should be playing for the same team. Your goal should be to resolve the issue, not to emerge victorious over the love of your life... and let's be honest, you just feel guilty when you win anyway.

Seek to Understand: If you're having a hard time playing on the same team, stop fighting and instead try to understand why your partner is upset. Typically what's being talked about isn't the real issue. People are inherently bad at being vulnerable, especially in threatening situations. Be willing to ask sincere questions. Let the answers sink in. If she is complaining that you're spending too much time at work, maybe the real issue is that she misses you, and wants to feel connected with you. Rather than arguing about how you're providing for the family, and she needs to respect how hard you work, try to listen to what she's really saying. Then hold her. Come home early one day, and surprise her with a date, or some special one-on-one time. Reassure her that she, and your relationship, are a priority for you. If you don't want that same issue to arise again, keep investing in the solution.

Just Be Nice To Each Other Seriously. Don't be a jerk. Don't call names. Don't take jabs. Don't try to hurt the other person. Argue naked if it helps... but just be kind and civil ad respectful. It will prevent so many bad things from happening."


Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/nate-bagleys-best-relationship-advice-2014-2#ixzz2tImEhLjT





1: Aardig zijn verwaarlozen

Wat je niet moet doen is steeds je ergernis tonen als er dingen mis gaan en vergeten dat je aardig voor elkaar moet zijn. Als je zo veel met elkaar te maken hebt, gaan er meer dingen mis dan in de omgang met vreemden of halve kennissen. Natuurlijk is het eenvoudig in de korte momenten met vrijwel onbekenden beleefd te blijven, maar zou je met hen dag in dag uit moeten onderhandelen over wie nog even naar de winkel gaat om te halen wat vergeten was, dan krijg je het zelfde: je gaat je ergernis steeds meer tonen. Er is niets erger voor de romantiek. Dus vergeet niet 'alsjeblieft' tegen elkaar te zeggen. Dat doe je wel bij iemand die je niet kent, dus waarom niet tegen je partner? Ga ook niet geloven dat wat jullie hebben 'normaal' is en als je vindt dat je partner er leuk uitziet, zeg dat dan. Het zijn de kleine dingen waar een goede relatie niet buiten kan.


2: Onhebbelijke gewoontes
 Waar ergeren partners zich dan aan? Dat hij nooit de kleine dingetjes afwast en op het aanrecht laat staan, terwijl zij de dop nooit op de tube tandpasta terugdraait. Kijk, het is niet moeilijk om van iemand te houden die alles doet wat je wilt en zegt. Het gaat er eigenlijk om te leren dat de ander iemand is met onvolkomenheden. Die moet je leren liefhebben. Je moet je zinnen terwijl je over de ander denkt stelselmatig positief maken. Wat is hij toch een schat, hij kan zijn mond niet houden, wil alles maar steeds delen. Dat is anders dan: Kan het niet even rustig zijn? Waarom moet hij altijd maar kletsen. Hij is zo met zichzelf bezig. Het is allemaal een kwestie van perspectief.

3: Afspraken niet nakomen
 Zorg dat je niet de onbetrouwbare partner wordt. Als je gezegd hebt dat je de kinderen van school haalt, moet je het doen en niet een kwartier ervoor nog opbellen dat het je even niet lukt. Een relatie is een bedrijf, waarin je taken verdeelt om elk efficiënter te kunnen leven. In een echt bedrijf ontslaan ze je als je je afspraken niet nakomt.

 4: Niet luisteren
 De eerste zin in een gesprek, daar gaat het om. Luister goed als je partner iets zegt, want als je die eerste zin niet hoort en je moet hem of haar vragen wat er gezegd is, dan maakt dat de indruk dat je erg weinig interesse in de ander hebt. Verderop in een gesprek mag je wel vragen nog iets te herhalen, maar die eerste zin is het belangrijkst. Het is of je voortdurend op het radiostation van de ander staat afgesteld.

 Zijn het vier nuttige dingen? Ik weet het niet, maar wat ik wel weet is dat het leven bestaat uit een reeks kleine dingen en je moet ervoor zorgen dat die goed gaan.

Zelfvertrouwen en controle over je leven van binnen (niet buiten).

Deskundigen hebben het wel eens over de 'locus of control'. Dat gaat over waar je de controle over je leven geplaatst hebt. Binnen of buiten jezelf. Als je de plaats waar je leven gecontroleerd wordt in je hebt kun je nieuwe informatie en mogelijkheden benutten, omdat je zelf aan het stuur zit. Als je die controle buiten jezelf hebt geplaatst voel je jezelf onmachtig in vergelijking met andere factoren en zit je op de passagiersplaats. Mensen die hun leven lang alles tegen zit, die wel willen maar zich tegengewerkt voelen omdat zij nu eenmaal altijd in de hoek waar de slagen vallen zitten, verliezen op den duur hun zelfvertrouwen. Dan kun je wel informatie krijgen, maar het intimideert alleen maar. Wat kun jij er nu aan doen? Bij een analyse van de grote Britse campagnes om mensen meer te laten bewegen, bleek dat de mensen die het allemaal al wisten en het eigenlijk niet nodig hadden, meer gingen bewegen, terwijl de mensen die het wisten en het echt nodig hadden, juist minder gingen bewegen. Niets voor hen. Lukt toch niet. Ze hoeven mij niet te vertellen of ik moet gaan rennen. Maak ik zelf wel uit. Ze waren geïntimideerd. Het betekende dat er miljarden weggegooid waren. Dat had beter uitgegeven kunnen worden aan een campagne om mensen meer te laten geloven in zichzelf. If I believe it, I can do it.

·         "People may forget what you said. People may forget what you did. But they will NOT forget how you made them feel."



10 Tips for Resolving Conflict

"Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude." -- William James

Conflict is a normal and natural aspect of relationships. As human beings, we are primed to respond to stress with a "fight" or "flee" response. Often, neither of these choices is appropriate. Therefore, we need to find a way to address conflict that is direct and assertive, while also respectful and diplomatic. Some people fear conflict and go to great lengths to avoid it, which can backfire and lead to emotional, relational and medical problems. If handled effectively, conflict can be an opportunity for learning, growth and positive change.

In my practice, I advise clients to use the following strategies:

1. Pause and get grounded.
 If your feathers are ruffled, it's best to take a moment to regroup before having a knee-jerk reaction you might regret later. Breathe deeply (in through your nose, down to your stomach and out through your mouth) to calm yourself. Check in with your body and recognize if there are any physical discomforts that are exacerbating your emotional agitation (i.e., hunger, fatigue, etc.).

If possible and appropriate, address those needs -- otherwise, raise a mental red flag so you are conscious that your emotions may be inflamed by these conditions. Stretching is a good way to quickly release tension and achieve physical comfort and neutral posture.

2. Zoom out to gain perspective. Imagine you are viewing the conflict from a neutral place at a greater distance. Imagine emotionally unplugging or detaching from the situation to increase awareness. Are you really upset about the issue at hand or are you displacing your anger? For example, are you flipping off the driver behind you when you are actually mad at your boss about the meeting you just left?

Make sure you address the appropriate person. Identify the real issue and don't argue about the minutia if there is a deeper core issue that needs to be addressed. For example, don't argue about the toilet seat being left up if you are actually mad that you are feeling lonely or unsupported. Choose your battles: let the little stuff go and care about yourself enough to address the important matters.

3. Become mindful of your nonverbal communication.
 Because much of communication is nonverbal, be aware of your facial expressions, hand gestures, and body language to ensure you are sending the message that you want to be received.

4. Avoid behaviors that add fuel to the fire.
 Physical or verbal abuse is never acceptable. Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher and expert on relationships, identified four additional behaviors that should be avoided during conflict: criticism (attacking the person's character); contempt (insults and nonverbal hostility, like eye rolling); stonewalling (shutting down); and defensiveness (seeing self as victim.)

5. Reflect empathy.
 The ability to show you understand how the other person feels is perhaps the single most powerful communication skill. It allows the person to feel heard and diffuses conflict. You do not have to agree with their perspective, but you can show you understand their feelings (i.e., "I can understand that you felt upset by that.").

6. Take responsibility for yourself.
 Save everybody time by owning up to your own poor behaviors. This is not a sign of weakness, rather it demonstrates awareness and integrity and will likely expedite successful resolution. Make sincere and timely amends and apologies.

7. Use assertive communication.
 Avoid being passive (weak in setting boundaries); aggressive (hostile or entitled); or passive-aggressive (acting out through indirect behaviors like slamming a door or not responding to an email). Stay in the present and don't dredge up old issues from the past. Ask for what you need, say no to what you can't do, and be open to negotiation and compromise. Articulate a complaint about a specific behavior and express your feelings in a way that is clear, direct and appropriate.

Whenever possible, communicate directly in-person or over the phone versus email or text battles where misunderstandings breed quickly. Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements to reduce defensiveness. For example, "I am upset that I did not get the promotion," rather than "You are a jackass."

8. Be open and flexible.
 Listen and really hear the other person. Ask questions to gather information that will be clarifying. Consider other perspectives or solutions. Look for the compromise or "win-win."

9. Focus on what you can control and let go of the rest.
 Author Wayne Dyer wisely said, "How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours." You can control your own behaviors and responses but you cannot control others or the outcome. You can advocate for yourself in the context of a relationship and if resolution cannot be achieved, you can empower yourself to change the boundaries of that relationship or perhaps even end it altogether.

10. Forgive.
Nelson Mandela said, "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies." Recognize that people come into our lives for a reason and even negative experiences are opportunities for growth. Be grateful for the learning experience, work towards acceptance, forgive and let go of the past. Consciously choose how you want to move forward.