Thursday, January 22, 2015
Lekker verontwaardigd zitten wezen in eigen land
Wie ben jij, wie is zij om te weten wat goed is en wat slecht. Niemand weet dat.
Staart u zich niet blind op 1 kant van een mens. Na 1 uiterste zoeken ze soms een ander op. Van gesloten kunnen wij open worden, van haatdragend mild, van grof delicaat, van gewelddadig irenisch.
Mensen die je hinderen, die vervelend, moeilijk en onbegrijpelijk doen, die moet je uit de weg gaan. Doe alsof ze niet bestaan, anders kom je ze overal tegen.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Gedraag je en wees als een koningin en je wordt misschien als een koningin behandeld. Gedraag je en wees als een slet en je wordt als een slet behandeld.
10 voor umbrella van Rihanna, de clip, de muziek, zij (19 jaar !)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CvBfHwUxHIk
9 voor extraordinary van clean bandit
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=40nFOYGVJtY
7,5 voor inside van sting
9 voor are you ready to fly van rozalla, nee een 10, dit is mijn kinderachtige verliefdheid liedje
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIqugitfTH0
9 voor born to love you van rozalla, nee een 10, dit is mijn kinderachtige verliefdheid liedje, dat lekkere bas loopje, dat pompende ritme, dat dansende swing gevoel
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RVzmQkqmqP0
Mooie 7 voor dubxanne bring on the night
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Roe79txZAVQ
Dit is mijn uitspraak en daarmee zult u het moeten doen.
De functioneringsgesprekken: ik hoor er alleen maar mensen over klagen.
Dat de baas altijd wel iets vindt om over te zeuren. Dat hoe hard ze ook gewerkt hebben, ze altijd wel iets uit hun poten hebben laten flikkeren en dat het dáár dan de hele tijd over gaat. En dat als ze op het eind moeten zeggen wat hun ambities zijn, ze niet durven te zeggen: ‘jouw baan, asshole’.Ik snap dat nooit.
Ik vind functioneringsgesprekken altijd heerlijk. De leukste gesprekken op kantoor. Even een uurtje me-time – wanneer krijg je zoveel aandacht van je baas? Even de benen op tafel en beoordelen maar.
Er is ook altijd wel iets dat wel of niet functioneert in de kantoorjungle: de kroketten, de collega’s, de koffie, de airco, de glasbewassing, het slot op de wc-deur.
Ik gebruik mijn functioneringsgesprek ook altijd om even flink mijn hart te luchten over de politiek, de kwaliteit van de huidige popmuziek en de stand van het land in het algemeen. Het leukste vind ik de functioneringsgesprekken waarin mijn baas het heeft over zíjn baas. Heel goed! Wie zegt dat het over het functioneren van de ondergeschikte moet gaan?
Toch merk ik dat nog heel veel mensen hun functioneringsgesprek niet snappen. Ze zien het als een moment waarop hun baas even over hen heen mag plassen, een moment dat ze zo stoïcijns mogelijk moeten ondergaan omdat hij anders denkt dat hij een punt heeft. En dus zitten ze met een pokerface lijdzaam af te wachten, geven ze geen kritiek: even doorbijten.
Wat ik ook vaak hoor, is dat je niet zou mogen huilen tijdens je functioneringsgesprek, je niet mag schreeuwen en er niet mag zeuren om opslag. Wat een onzin. Ik vind dat je eens per jaar je moment moet hebben om onredelijk te zijn tegen je baas.
Maar nog beter is het om het helemaal om te draaien. Wacht dus niet tot je baas over jou begint, maar begin over hém! Prijs hem helemaal het graf in. Hoe goed hij kan luisteren, hoe fabelhaft hij inspireert, dat je eigenlijk altijd denkt: hoe zou hij dit aanpakken? Het voordeel is dat je baas na afloop helemaal mellow en giechelig het formulier invult, maar ook dat er amper tijd is om het over jouw functioneren te hebben.
Zorg er verder voor dat je wat te doen hebt tijdens je functioneringsgesprek. Neem dus een breiwerkje mee, een likdoornrasp, wat vakliteratuur. Dat je niet stilzit, zeg maar. Ik neem zelf ook altijd wat werk mee. Dat vind ik ook gewoon heel goed staan. Dat je het zo druk hebt, dat je je werk hebt meegenomen naar je functioneringsgesprek. En je baas kan meteen zien hoe je het doet – win win.
Een écht goede baas zegt na afloop van het gesprek: maak jij het verslag even? Hij vertrouwt je. Dat verslag is bovendien toch maar voor het archief.
Want de échte functioneringsgesprekken, die heb je natuurlijk niet één keer per jaar, maar elke dag. Elk gesprek in de kantoorjungle is een functioneringsgesprek, lieve mensen. Je theorieën over Wie de Mol is, wat je weet over koffie en over de Koude Oorlog. Of ze je mogen, of je gelijk krijgt als je het niet hebt.
De échte functioneringsgesprekken heb je niet met je baas, maar met je collega’s.
Japke D bouma
Dat was het ? Dat is het.
Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude." -- William James
Conflict is a normal and natural aspect of relationships. As human beings, we are primed to respond to stress with a "fight" or "flee" response. Often, neither of these choices is appropriate. Therefore, we need to find a way to address conflict that is direct and assertive, while also respectful and diplomatic. Some people fear conflict and go to great lengths to avoid it, which can backfire and lead to emotional, relational and medical problems. If handled effectively, conflict can be an opportunity for learning, growth and positive change.
In my practice, I advise clients to use the following strategies:
1. Pause and get grounded.
If your feathers are ruffled, it's best to take a moment to regroup before having a knee-jerk reaction you might regret later. Breathe deeply (in through your nose, down to your stomach and out through your mouth) to calm yourself. Check in with your body and recognize if there are any physical discomforts that are exacerbating your emotional agitation (i.e., hunger, fatigue, etc.).
If possible and appropriate, address those needs -- otherwise, raise a mental red flag so you are conscious that your emotions may be inflamed by these conditions. Stretching is a good way to quickly release tension and achieve physical comfort and neutral posture.
2. Zoom out to gain perspective. Imagine you are viewing the conflict from a neutral place at a greater distance. Imagine emotionally unplugging or detaching from the situation to increase awareness. Are you really upset about the issue at hand or are you displacing your anger? For example, are you flipping off the driver behind you when you are actually mad at your boss about the meeting you just left?
Make sure you address the appropriate person. Identify the real issue and don't argue about the minutia if there is a deeper core issue that needs to be addressed. For example, don't argue about the toilet seat being left up if you are actually mad that you are feeling lonely or unsupported. Choose your battles: let the little stuff go and care about yourself enough to address the important matters.
3. Become mindful of your nonverbal communication.
Because much of communication is nonverbal, be aware of your facial expressions, hand gestures, and body language to ensure you are sending the message that you want to be received.
4. Avoid behaviors that add fuel to the fire.
Physical or verbal abuse is never acceptable. Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher and expert on relationships, identified four additional behaviors that should be avoided during conflict: criticism (attacking the person's character); contempt (insults and nonverbal hostility, like eye rolling); stonewalling (shutting down); and defensiveness (seeing self as victim.)
5. Reflect empathy.
The ability to show you understand how the other person feels is perhaps the single most powerful communication skill. It allows the person to feel heard and diffuses conflict. You do not have to agree with their perspective, but you can show you understand their feelings (i.e., "I can understand that you felt upset by that.").
6. Take responsibility for yourself.
Save everybody time by owning up to your own poor behaviors. This is not a sign of weakness, rather it demonstrates awareness and integrity and will likely expedite successful resolution. Make sincere and timely amends and apologies.
7. Use assertive communication.
Avoid being passive (weak in setting boundaries); aggressive (hostile or entitled); or passive-aggressive (acting out through indirect behaviors like slamming a door or not responding to an email). Stay in the present and don't dredge up old issues from the past. Ask for what you need, say no to what you can't do, and be open to negotiation and compromise. Articulate a complaint about a specific behavior and express your feelings in a way that is clear, direct and appropriate.
Whenever possible, communicate directly in-person or over the phone versus email or text battles where misunderstandings breed quickly. Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements to reduce defensiveness. For example, "I am upset that I did not get the promotion," rather than "You are a jackass."
8. Be open and flexible.
Listen and really hear the other person. Ask questions to gather information that will be clarifying. Consider other perspectives or solutions. Look for the compromise or "win-win."
9. Focus on what you can control and let go of the rest.
Author Wayne Dyer wisely said, "How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours." You can control your own behaviors and responses but you cannot control others or the outcome. You can advocate for yourself in the context of a relationship and if resolution cannot be achieved, you can empower yourself to change the boundaries of that relationship or perhaps even end it altogether.
10. Forgive. Nelson Mandela said, "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies." Recognize that people come into our lives for a reason and even negative experiences are opportunities for growth. Be grateful for the learning experience, work towards acceptance, forgive and let go of the past. Consciously choose how you want to move forward.
1) Don't react. While this is not easy to do because we are biologically primed to fight or flee, sometimes not reacting is incredibly effective. It takes two to play tug-of-war, and if you refuse to engage, there is no game to be played. An intentional pause serves as a mirror for the antagonizer, as their aggressive words reverberate in the silence and seem to hang in the air, hopefully inspiring reflection and awareness. If you refuse to sink to the same level, you can be the bigger person and anchor the conflict in a more civil place before it spirals downward. This requires strength, patience, groundedness and detachment from ego (for it is the ego that gets hooked during conflict and feels compelled to fight until proven the victor). Pause, count to 10, breathe deeply and see what happens from there.
2) Respond from a place of sadness, rather than anger. When we are angry, it is to protect our feelings of sadness. When we speak from our anger, we can scare people, make them defensive, and can negatively impact our relationships. When we speak from our hurt, we are sharing from a deeper and more vulnerable place of truth, and are not as threatening to others. If we teach others how to care for our wounds, rather than biting them back, we can expedite the healing process.
3) Do not triangulate. Triangulation is when you don't speak directly to the person with whom you are having a conflict and involve somebody else. For example, speaking to your mother-in-law about your agitation at your wife. Or, throwing your BFF under the bus when you are mad at your boyfriend by saying she thinks he is a selfish ass as well. While it is very tempting to vent to others or to use them as allies, none of this is useful. Triangulation is counterproductive as it causes additional relational strain with others and takes the focus away from the primary issue at hand. Furthermore, it simply isn't cool.
4) Understand conflict is neither bad, wrong nor a sign of failure. We are human: We all regress and act like babies sometime. Cut yourself some slack, don't be afraid of your mistakes, make amends and forgive yourself and others. Chalk it up to growth and learning and forge ahead.
5) Before speaking, ask yourself, "Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?" Take some advice from Shirdi Sai Baba and ask yourself these three questions before tossing verbal (or written) grenades. If the answer to even one of these questions is no, bite your lip and choose words that meet all of these criteria. The conflict will diffuse and your relationship will deepen.
6) Be specific about what you need. Sometimes we want people to magically know what we need in order to feel better. This is normal, yet irrational. Speed things along by being direct and specific for what you need (i.e. "I need for you to say you are sorry for calling me that name" or "I need for you to give me the rest of the weekend alone to reflect" or "I need for you to hold me and stop trying to make it better with words.").
7) Be willing to let go and "reboot." My colleague Ross Rosenberg recommends a mental rebooting when at the point of stalemate in conflict resolution. This involves letting go of any mental energy that is keeping you fixated on the conflict. In a moment of quiet reflection, imagine you are dropping your sword and hitting the "refresh" button on your psychological browser, and revisit your relationship with renewed perspective and energy.
8) Be grateful for the wisdom the conflict brought you. Conflict can be emotionally exhausting and it is easy to be annoyed that it even took place. Look at the good part by reflecting on any lessons that could be learned about yourself, the other party, the relationship, or life in general. Give thanks for this wisdom so that the universe knows you have sufficiently learned this lesson and it isn't presented for you again!
9) Enjoy the intimacy in making up and reconnecting. Conflict is like fire: While it can be destructive if left untended, it can promote warmth and heat if managed effectively. Resolving conflict promotes intimacy (the term, "make-up sex" didn't come from nowhere...) Also, there is great reassurance knowing that loved ones can "stand a little shaky ground" and has "got the guts to stick around" (thank you, Bonnie Raitt).
10) Understand nobody is perfect and learning effective conflict resolution is a life-long process. Working on conflict resolution is an indication of maturity, integrity and character. We are all works in progress. Commit to these conflict resolution strategies in order to improve your relationships and become your best self.
Conflict is a normal and natural aspect of relationships. As human beings, we are primed to respond to stress with a "fight" or "flee" response. Often, neither of these choices is appropriate. Therefore, we need to find a way to address conflict that is direct and assertive, while also respectful and diplomatic. Some people fear conflict and go to great lengths to avoid it, which can backfire and lead to emotional, relational and medical problems. If handled effectively, conflict can be an opportunity for learning, growth and positive change.
In my practice, I advise clients to use the following strategies:
1. Pause and get grounded.
If your feathers are ruffled, it's best to take a moment to regroup before having a knee-jerk reaction you might regret later. Breathe deeply (in through your nose, down to your stomach and out through your mouth) to calm yourself. Check in with your body and recognize if there are any physical discomforts that are exacerbating your emotional agitation (i.e., hunger, fatigue, etc.).
If possible and appropriate, address those needs -- otherwise, raise a mental red flag so you are conscious that your emotions may be inflamed by these conditions. Stretching is a good way to quickly release tension and achieve physical comfort and neutral posture.
2. Zoom out to gain perspective. Imagine you are viewing the conflict from a neutral place at a greater distance. Imagine emotionally unplugging or detaching from the situation to increase awareness. Are you really upset about the issue at hand or are you displacing your anger? For example, are you flipping off the driver behind you when you are actually mad at your boss about the meeting you just left?
Make sure you address the appropriate person. Identify the real issue and don't argue about the minutia if there is a deeper core issue that needs to be addressed. For example, don't argue about the toilet seat being left up if you are actually mad that you are feeling lonely or unsupported. Choose your battles: let the little stuff go and care about yourself enough to address the important matters.
3. Become mindful of your nonverbal communication.
Because much of communication is nonverbal, be aware of your facial expressions, hand gestures, and body language to ensure you are sending the message that you want to be received.
4. Avoid behaviors that add fuel to the fire.
Physical or verbal abuse is never acceptable. Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher and expert on relationships, identified four additional behaviors that should be avoided during conflict: criticism (attacking the person's character); contempt (insults and nonverbal hostility, like eye rolling); stonewalling (shutting down); and defensiveness (seeing self as victim.)
5. Reflect empathy.
The ability to show you understand how the other person feels is perhaps the single most powerful communication skill. It allows the person to feel heard and diffuses conflict. You do not have to agree with their perspective, but you can show you understand their feelings (i.e., "I can understand that you felt upset by that.").
6. Take responsibility for yourself.
Save everybody time by owning up to your own poor behaviors. This is not a sign of weakness, rather it demonstrates awareness and integrity and will likely expedite successful resolution. Make sincere and timely amends and apologies.
7. Use assertive communication.
Avoid being passive (weak in setting boundaries); aggressive (hostile or entitled); or passive-aggressive (acting out through indirect behaviors like slamming a door or not responding to an email). Stay in the present and don't dredge up old issues from the past. Ask for what you need, say no to what you can't do, and be open to negotiation and compromise. Articulate a complaint about a specific behavior and express your feelings in a way that is clear, direct and appropriate.
Whenever possible, communicate directly in-person or over the phone versus email or text battles where misunderstandings breed quickly. Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements to reduce defensiveness. For example, "I am upset that I did not get the promotion," rather than "You are a jackass."
8. Be open and flexible.
Listen and really hear the other person. Ask questions to gather information that will be clarifying. Consider other perspectives or solutions. Look for the compromise or "win-win."
9. Focus on what you can control and let go of the rest.
Author Wayne Dyer wisely said, "How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours." You can control your own behaviors and responses but you cannot control others or the outcome. You can advocate for yourself in the context of a relationship and if resolution cannot be achieved, you can empower yourself to change the boundaries of that relationship or perhaps even end it altogether.
10. Forgive. Nelson Mandela said, "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies." Recognize that people come into our lives for a reason and even negative experiences are opportunities for growth. Be grateful for the learning experience, work towards acceptance, forgive and let go of the past. Consciously choose how you want to move forward.
10 More tips:
2) Respond from a place of sadness, rather than anger. When we are angry, it is to protect our feelings of sadness. When we speak from our anger, we can scare people, make them defensive, and can negatively impact our relationships. When we speak from our hurt, we are sharing from a deeper and more vulnerable place of truth, and are not as threatening to others. If we teach others how to care for our wounds, rather than biting them back, we can expedite the healing process.
3) Do not triangulate. Triangulation is when you don't speak directly to the person with whom you are having a conflict and involve somebody else. For example, speaking to your mother-in-law about your agitation at your wife. Or, throwing your BFF under the bus when you are mad at your boyfriend by saying she thinks he is a selfish ass as well. While it is very tempting to vent to others or to use them as allies, none of this is useful. Triangulation is counterproductive as it causes additional relational strain with others and takes the focus away from the primary issue at hand. Furthermore, it simply isn't cool.
4) Understand conflict is neither bad, wrong nor a sign of failure. We are human: We all regress and act like babies sometime. Cut yourself some slack, don't be afraid of your mistakes, make amends and forgive yourself and others. Chalk it up to growth and learning and forge ahead.
5) Before speaking, ask yourself, "Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?" Take some advice from Shirdi Sai Baba and ask yourself these three questions before tossing verbal (or written) grenades. If the answer to even one of these questions is no, bite your lip and choose words that meet all of these criteria. The conflict will diffuse and your relationship will deepen.
6) Be specific about what you need. Sometimes we want people to magically know what we need in order to feel better. This is normal, yet irrational. Speed things along by being direct and specific for what you need (i.e. "I need for you to say you are sorry for calling me that name" or "I need for you to give me the rest of the weekend alone to reflect" or "I need for you to hold me and stop trying to make it better with words.").
7) Be willing to let go and "reboot." My colleague Ross Rosenberg recommends a mental rebooting when at the point of stalemate in conflict resolution. This involves letting go of any mental energy that is keeping you fixated on the conflict. In a moment of quiet reflection, imagine you are dropping your sword and hitting the "refresh" button on your psychological browser, and revisit your relationship with renewed perspective and energy.
8) Be grateful for the wisdom the conflict brought you. Conflict can be emotionally exhausting and it is easy to be annoyed that it even took place. Look at the good part by reflecting on any lessons that could be learned about yourself, the other party, the relationship, or life in general. Give thanks for this wisdom so that the universe knows you have sufficiently learned this lesson and it isn't presented for you again!
9) Enjoy the intimacy in making up and reconnecting. Conflict is like fire: While it can be destructive if left untended, it can promote warmth and heat if managed effectively. Resolving conflict promotes intimacy (the term, "make-up sex" didn't come from nowhere...) Also, there is great reassurance knowing that loved ones can "stand a little shaky ground" and has "got the guts to stick around" (thank you, Bonnie Raitt).
10) Understand nobody is perfect and learning effective conflict resolution is a life-long process. Working on conflict resolution is an indication of maturity, integrity and character. We are all works in progress. Commit to these conflict resolution strategies in order to improve your relationships and become your best self.
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